the list. 61-75

61-75

cool, summer nights (61)

sharing a laugh with a friend (62)

acting like a child (63)

being welcomed with open arms (64)

knowing where you fit, even when you don't know who you are (65)

birthdays (66)

witnessing the pure joy on a child's face as he rides his bicycle without training wheels for the first time and seeing the pride in his parents' eyes. (67)

going where everybody knows your name (68)

the way the light wakes up in the morning (69)

a strong fall breeze blowing through the window (70)

being appreciated (71)

new beginnings (72)

when things are in order (73)

finding something that reminds you of the past and gives you hope for the future (74)

the smell of books (75)

the list. 50-60

i'm more than halfway through the list now, and i thought i'd reflect on the process. it is clear to me as i become more aware of the joys around me, that we have some ability to make our own peace with the world. but becoming more aware of the joys in our lives, while removing the focus on pain, does not eliminate it. and when we are honest with ourselves, pain is uncomfortable. for each and every person as they experience it and for those that support and love them. how do we address this? how can we appreciate the joys but also face our pain in an honest way?

50-60
connecting with people (50)

a good book (51)

the sunshine (52)

when working hard does pay off (53)

making the most of every opportunity (54)

hugs (55)

cool water on a hot day (56)

spending quality time with your best friends (57)

open fields of green grass (58)

people's stories (59)

rain (60)

the list. 39-49

this post is a continuation of a previous post.

39-49, published 6/21/12

farmers, roadside fruit  stands, and wildlife-this is my home. (39)

a healthy body, exercise, and good conversation (40)

thunderstorms at night (41)

siblings, parallel travelers through life. (42)

quality time spent with quality people (43)

a cool breeze on a hot night (44)

the way the air smells after it rains (45)

the smell of laundry dried in the sun (46)

smooth legs on clean sheets (47)

when things just seem to "fit" (48)

good news that you've been anxiously waiting for (49)

the list. 1-38

This post is incomplete. 

Then again, so am I.

I hadn't planned on publishing this until the list was finished. I started this project in the summer of 2009. I was jobless, and interning for a local church youth group. In the absence of a job, I was investing a lot of time and energy into people. Into building and maintaining relationships. It was in this time that I learned the most about loving people. Loving people where they're at, where I'm at, right now. In August, I and the other youth leaders took our middle school students on a mission trip. The theme of the week was "Free." This list started as a list of 100 things that make me feel "free" from the 

weight of the world. You'll find that it ends at #38. But there's more to the my story...

grocery shopping with no list. (1) 

getting lost in a good book. (2) 

taking the time to wake up slowly in the morning. (3) 

siestas. (4) 

NOT making plans. (5)

unexpected, long, fulfilling conversations. (6)

leaving my phone at home. (7)

acting like a child. (8) 

grace. (9) 

unrestricted worship. (10) 

learning to appreciate. (11) 

remembering to love. (12) 

muscle relaxers. (13) 

holding on to the fact that "there just may be some good in this world, and it's worth fighting for." (14) 

encountering those people who genuinely care, and who remind you to do the same. (15)

children, and their valuable role in our lives. (16) 

"the occasional sense i have that life is not just a series of events causing other events, but that the events are all somehow or other leading somewhere." (17) 

that God speaks. even through asses, Num 22:28. (18) 

"freedom isn't escaping...it's committing." (19) 

beautiful fall days. (20) 

my roommates Sara Webster and Emily Sicard in one word: absolutelyunbelievableamazinglovingcaringphenomenalfriendlysuperwonderfulfreakinawesome.(21) 

big trees that shelter you from fall rains when you still don't own an umbrella. (22) 

hearing, "hey intern, watch this glow stick for four hours and see how long it lasts" and loving my job even more :) (23) 

"But in Christ His face shines full of grace and kindliness even toward miserable and unworthy sinners; for, He gave this admirable example of His infinite love, when he exposed His own son for us, and in Him opened to us all the treasure of His clemency and goodness." (24) 

"I am challenged to let go of all the voices of doom and damnation that drag me into depression and allow the 'small' joys to reveal the truth about the world I live in....people who have come to know the joy of God do not deny the darkness, but they choose not to live in it. They claim...that A LITTLE BIT OF LIGHT CAN DISPEL A LOT OF DARKNESS." (25) 

advice like this, "what else is there to do, other than get through the day to day and try to find some beauty." (26) and the friends who give it. (27) 

the pomegranate. it is a deliciously inferiorating fruit. i'm so glad God created variety. (28) 

thank you, God, for strategically placing friendly, smiling people along the entire course of my run. It made my night. (29) 

"I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity...but a certain sign of grace is this, from a broken earth, flowers come up, pushing through the dirt." (30) 

greater things are yet to come and greater things are still to be done in this city. here. in me. in you. in the world. how GREAT is our God. (31) 

early morning conversations via skype or otherwise. (32) 

getting the best sleep in the 15 minutes between when you're supposed to get up and when you actually get up. (33) 

camping. (34) 

that You "will never leave me, nor forsake me." (35)

"This is the day the LORD has made. Let's rejoice and be glad in it!" Psalm 118:24 (36) 

I hear thy Savior say, "Thy strength indeed is small. Child of weakness WATCH and PRAY, find in Me, thine All in All."(37) 

"the world is broken, yet beautifully made." (38) 

...The list doesn't end here, but the project is interrupted. These 38 things were listed between August 2009 and May 2010. On May 24th, 2010 the single most life-changing event I've experienced happened. My younger brother, only 17, drowned tragically while swimming with friends. It wasn't as if I consciously decided to stop this project. I simply forgot about it. And when I did remember it, I had absolutely no idea how to appreciate anything good. I could see good things everywhere, but just as quickly as I recognized them as good, they were tainted. Stained with the hopelessness of my heart.

The last two years of my life have been riddled with confusion, depression, hopelessness, anger, angst, and most importantly searching. In my conversations with friends I was recommended a book. "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. I jotted it down, made a note to check it out at a later date, and promptly forgot about it. (Sorry Stockton!) Then, several months later, another friend handed me the book and basically ordered me to read it. (Thanks Lori!)

So here I am, reading a book written by a woman steeped in pain, chaos, and loss who takes the challenge of a friend to slow down, relinquish control, and embrace a life of gratitude. To practice this, she makes a list. 1000 blessings. So call it divine intervention or coincidence, but I couldn't read this book and leave my own list unfinished. I am not "better", I do not know what I believe about God and tragedy, my heart aches with loss when I think of my baby brother, but I am not a quitter. So I will finish this list. And if in the process, I am transformed, so be it.